The Letter
by Sidekickwannabe
Summary: I don't know how others feel when they realize they are sick...I am Akane Saotome and for some reason my life works differently than the rest of the world


The Letter  
  
To my child,  
  
I don't know how others feel when they realize they are sick. I don't know if others remember the exact moment they knew something was wrong. Most do, I suppose but I am Akane Saotome and for some reason my life works differently than the rest of the world. Because I don't remember the moments leading up to the tests, the time during, or the moments after. I must have been nervous. I have an odd recollection of Ranma being near, not right beside me but near, hovering in the corner of my eye as if not to get in my way but having his presence known, a strong silent encouragement that everything will be okay.   
  
Of course it wasn't. I'm sick, like Mommy. I haven't used that name when talking about my mother for years. Not since I was a little girl. But it's Mommy nonetheless. Mommy had terminal lukemia, but when she got sick, there was little to be done for her. She denied chemotherapy, a new technique at the time, to fight the cancer and she slipped away from us slowly.   
  
So when I found myself in Dr. Tofu's office, I didn't know what to expect. It took him forever to send his patients away so as not to be disturbed. He even let Uncle Saotome go home early. Tofu never did this, in all my years of going to him, he was never this formal. We were even meeting in his official office, instead of the clinic at the front of the building. His dark oak desk was amazingly immaculate. No papers were about, everything was in perfect order. The only thing that seemed out of place was the folder containing my medical history. That seemed oddly obtrusive. It felt like it was the metaphor of my life, the one imprefection on an otherwise perfect world.   
  
He tried not to make a big deal about entering the room but it couldn't have been helped. He'd changed clothes, and he settled in his big chair soundlessly. He ran his hand through his hair and straightened his glasses, something he did a lot. Tofu opened the folder and sighed softly.  
  
"Akane, " he began slowly, "do you remember when your mother got sick?"  
  
I thought for a moment. "Very little of it remains. I can remember her   
going to see your sensei here and coming home very late. Then, well, she got quiet. She stopped singing to me that day, she stopped training. We didn't know what was wrong. We didn't know for months and months. Then she died."  
  
Tofu looked down at the open folder. I know he wasn't   
reading anything in there. Whatever he was getting at he'd rehearsed and he wasn't swaying too far from his plan. "Akane, I studied your mother's case very closely. I made knowing all I could about it a priority. I would have gone into further into the field but I was held here. But I digress. Your mother had terminal lukemia. The reason she went so quickly was because it wasn't caught early enough and she refused treatment."  
  
"I don't understand what this has to do with me, Dr. Tofu."  
  
Tofu clasped his hands and leaned forward on his desk. "The point of   
this visit, Akane, is to tell you the results of your blood tests. It   
seems that you are sick."  
  
"What? Do I have a cold or something?"  
  
"I'm afraid not. It's not that kind of sick. The results revealed little  
that I hadn't already suspected. Akane, you have lukemia. That same lukemia that your mother had. I regret to inform you that it's terminal. We can try the chemotherapy or radiation in the hospital but unfortunately, like your mother, I don't think it will be much good."  
  
I got mad. "Sick?! I'm healthy! I eat all the right food, I train   
everyday for hours on end! I can't be sick! Your results are wrong,   
they have to be!" I held out my arm. "Here! Take the test now!"  
  
"Akane," Tofu said softly, "I did every test available. The results were  
the same. Now sit down and stop acting like a child." His tone   
surprised me and I did as I was told. "This isn't easy for me to tell   
you. But it's real. I suggest you go home and tell your family about it as soon as you leave here. I don't know how long you have, but I   
suggest you also settle your affairs as soon as possible."  
  
That's when it all hit me. I was dying. I was going to die. And not   
just in the next 60 or 70 years but soon. I nodded and stood to go.   
"Akane."  
  
"Yes, Dr. Tofu?"  
  
"If you need me, whatever it is, whenever you need it, let me know."   
My face remained expressionless. "Akane, you're my favorite patient. I  
expect to see you once a week, if not more. Don't give up on life,   
Akane. You don't know how long you have. Make the most of it."  
  
I nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Tofu. I'll come by to see you. And thank you, for taking care of my mother too."  
  
***********************   
  
I left his office and went home mentally exhausted. On the   
way home I tried not to think but after something like that it's kind of hard not to take a step back and look at the situation. The same disease my mother had and died from..I should have been in shock, I suppose, after hearing that I'm going to die but I found myself thinking about my mother instead of myself.  
  
Had my mother walked this very route home the night she   
heard the news or had she taken the shortcut home, to see me and my sisters before we were sent to bed? Had she kissed us goodnight that night not knowing if she would wake in the morning to do the same the following evening? Had Mommy cried herself to sleep in her grief? Why did she stop singing? I can hear her voice now, in the kitchen with Kasumi or in the garden outside, singing a traditional Japanese hymn that only she could sing so beautifully.  
  
What had Mommy gone through as she died so slowly? Had she just counted this event of her life just part of life or as a cruel   
joke by fate, not being able to give her husband peace of mind? My   
father had no idea what was wrong with her, treated her like normal, and never knew that the less he spent with his wife, the more he would later regret it. Did Mommy know how her children would end up? I know she had hopes for us and I know they were never reached. Kasumi, so quiet and shy before grew up before she was ready and took over the household chores almost immediately. Nabiki, always good with money, gathered her wits about her and learned how to extort and twist money out of people. I trained, all alone, mimicking the simple katas I'd watched my mother do. Had my mother any idea that her children would turn out as they have? Did she know that Kasumi sacrificed her own happiness to watch over the family her mother had left, did she know that Nabiki learned how to make people give her money on a whim to provide necessties where her   
father couldn't? Did she know that her youngest child had in fact become the uncute tomboy her fiance' called her because there was no one there, no mother in her life, to teach her to be graceful, how to be a woman and instead having to guess every step of the way?!   
  
I became angry in my thoughts and it was then that I   
realized why Mommy hadn't told anyone about her illness. The same reason I wasn't going to tell them. My father is not a strong man. He might have been when he was younger but I have learned that after his mother died, he became very unstable. So any news worse than trivial was a major problem. He began to cry at nothing and it has continued. Kasumi would want to baby me, keep me in bed and not let me live a normal life for as long as possible. Nabiki would turn this into some money making scheme and Ranma..well, he would treat me like a porcelain doll and never come near me. That was the thing I wanted least. I wasn't dead yet or even close. So no one would know about this until it became obvious that I couldn't hide it from them any longer.  
  
I went straight to my room that night and locked the door.  
I didn't want any interruptions. For the moment all I wished was to be alone with my thoughts, to be alone in the knowledge that I wasn't going to let this cancer beat me. My mother gave up too easily and I am not my mother. I knew and I swore by the gods of Shinto, by the god of Christianity and Buddhism, by all that is life and on the memory of my mother, that if I was going to die, I was going to die living how I chose. I opened the door, slipped out of my room, down the dark hallway, out the door and into the night.   
  
Ranma found me at the river just after dawn. I had worried  
him, I think, disappearing in the middle of the night. He was angry   
with me for causing him so much worry, one of the few times I'd ever   
seen him sincerely mad at me. I had only wanted to watch the sunrise.   
  
"You left the house in the middle of the night, in your nightgown with   
no shoes, to watch the sunrise?!"  
  
"Yes! I did. I..haven't watched the sunrise in such a long time that I   
just couldn't wait. I didn't want to sleep and possibly miss it. So I   
left."  
  
"I've been looking all over for you, Akane. Did you have any idea what could have happened?"  
  
I turned and met his angry gaze. "I can take care of myself you know.   
Shampoo, Ukyou, they don't scare me. I'm perfectly capable to do things on my own."  
  
Ranma strode over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. "I have been looking all over Nerima for you. I've been worried sick - I mean, Kasumi and your father have been worried sick about you. Don't ever take off like that without letting your family know."  
  
"Ranma, I know I worried you and for that I'm sorry. But I won't be   
sorry for doing what I want, when I want to do it. I want to see the   
sunset again and if that means I take off in the middle of the night or don't come home at all, it will be because I want to! From now on, I'm going to live my life how I want to. I'm a changed person, Ranma."  
  
Ranma's eyes narrowed in thought. "You haven't been the same since that appointment at Tofu's yesterday afternoon. What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"You suck at lying, Akane, anyone ever tell you that? I know something's up. And since you won't tell me, I'll go to Tofu himself." He turned to leave and I grabbed his shirt.  
  
"No! Leave Dr. Tofu out of this. Nothing's wrong with me. I'm just fine, honest. The best I've felt in years." I lied, more convincingly this   
time. "Look, you want to come with me next time I decide to watch the sunset? Will that make everything better?"  
  
"No, I'd rather sleep. But I just can't trust my uncute tomboy fiance'  
to be left alone now can I?"  
  
I grinned, glad he believed me and understanding the change in his   
voice. "Baka."   
  
  
I was truthful when I told Ranma that I had changed, I simply   
refused to give up. Things changed in the wake of my change. Father   
cried less, and actually went out and opened the Dojo for students. I   
even convinced Kasumi go out on a date with Tofu - a decision that   
suddenly made her aware of her surroundings and take action with her own life. Nabiki, with a steady income coming in, retired from the  
business and got an after school job for a local firm that dealt with  
the Tokyo Stock Market, promising that her skills would be to the firm full time upon graduation from college.   
  
I didn't do very much on regarding my own life. I had been happy   
before the news and I couldn't see anything about it that I could have changed. Not much anyway. I talked to Kuno and told him everything. Even a dunce like him could understand that I never was nor never will be in love with him. He brooded for a few days but realized soon after that when he stopped trying to molest me, I was more friendly to him. I made amends with Ukyou and Shampoo both. It wasn't the easiest task in the world because I couldn't seem to make them understand that I wasn't relinquishing my engagement to Ranma. Finally it took me fighting a duel with the two women to make them understand I was only trying to apologize to them. I had been an emeny and still stood in their way of their marriages to Ranma so their acceptance and reciprocation came begrudgingly.  
  
And still, no one knew. They didn't ask and I didn't tell. I was  
finally living life how I chose, not how others chose for me. I was   
extremely happy and I wondered more and more why my mother had just given up. Why? Life is a gift and just living was more pleasurable than any experience in the world.   
  
"You haven't told your family still?"  
  
I sighed as Dr. Tofu stood in front of me. It was my 50th weekly visit   
with Tofu, almost a year since I was diagnosed. "No."  
  
"Why not, Akane?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Because it hurts you?"  
  
"No. Because it annoys the hell out of me. You've grown up with my   
family, you know how it is."  
  
"They've changed, Akane."  
  
"They've only changed outward behavior, Dr. Tofu. Kasumi still cleans the house unmercilessly, Nabiki still makes money from unsupsecting people and Father still cries. They would treat me differently if they knew and I refuse to let that happen."  
  
"I tell you this again. You have to tell them soon. They might not have changed but you certainly have."  
  
I frowned. I've changed? "What are you talking about? I'm the same I was almost a year ago."  
  
Tofu shook his head. "You've lost weight. And your skin's lost its usual glow and your hair isn't as shiny as it used to be."  
  
I waved it off. "Minor changes. No one will notice."  
  
"Tell them, Akane, or I will myself."  
  
"I'll tell my family."  
  
"When?"  
  
"When you let it go." I snapped angrily. Honestly, when will he get the  
idea? "I'll tell them when I'm ready."  
  
That night I went to bed, and slept deeply. The only problem is, I woke a week later in the hospital. My eyes were heavy but I forced them open anyway. I was in a small hospital room. It was dark in the room but I could make out shapes. The walls were white and there were two pictures on the wall, right in front of my bed. I sighed silently and turned my head to the left. The window's curtains were open and I could see the lights of the city outside. Beside my bed was a small table, and a TV hung in the corner of my room. I rolled my head to the right. A shadow filled a small chair and I tried to make out who it was when it shifted its position and yawned.   
  
"Akane? You're awake!"  
  
I nodded. All of a sudden my stomach flopped. Oh god, I hadn't told my family! "How long have I been here?"  
  
"You're sick. You went to sleep last week and you didn't wake up. You  
were in a coma. Your father..he's been considering taking you off the  
machines.."  
  
"Ranma..I.."  
  
"Shh. Don't speak, not yet. You need to save your strength."  
  
"I'm fine, Ranma. I'm not in need of rest."  
  
He sat close to me on my bed and turned on a light. "You know why you're here, don't you?"  
  
I took a deep breath. He knew I knew. "Yes."  
  
"Terminal lukemia. You're dying."  
  
"I know."  
  
"For how long have you known?"  
  
"Almost a year. That night I went to watch the sunrise and you said   
something about my appointment with Tofu, you knew something was wrong but I couldn't tell you."  
  
"You lied to me."  
  
"Only because I knew what would happen. For the same reasons I told Tofu last night- week. I wouldn't have been able to do all I have if I had told you from the start. You and Kasumi and Father wouldn't let me live my life like normal. And because it would have been too hard for all of you to know."  
  
Ranma's eyes were sad. "You think it's any easier now? Akane, you're  
dying. And I haven't had a chance to.."  
  
"To what, Ranma? What could you have done?"  
  
"I could have found a cure.."  
  
I took his hand in mine and shook my head. "No, you couldn't have. There is no cure for this. Like it or not, Ranma, I'm not going to beat this one." I began to cry. "Ranma, I let you go from our engagement."  
  
"Akane?"  
  
"Just listen to me. I'm sick. I don't want you to have to deal with all  
you deal with and then have to worry about me. So, I'm saying that   
it's off."  
  
"Akane, you can't be serious."  
  
"I am. I...I love you, Ranma. But I don't want to hurt you. And if   
absolving the engagement is what it takes, then so be it."  
  
"What if I don't want it to be off? What if I said that I love you too  
and decided that for as long as you live I'm going to love you and will continue to love you when you're gone?"  
  
"Stop talking crazy, you baka. I-" I stopped. Tofu was standing in the   
doorway. "Tofu.."  
  
He frowned at me. "I'm very disappointed in you, Akane. You didn't tell your family and then you went into the coma."  
  
"The coma wasn't my fault."  
  
"They had to find out from me, Akane. Which is better than a stranger I suppose but not as it should have been. You should have told your family."  
  
"Are they mad at me?"  
  
"Just wounded. You remember how loosing your mother felt. It's harder on them this time because they had to learn from me about you."  
  
"How are the results?"  
  
"Ranma, I should speak to Akane alone."  
  
"It's okay, Dr. Tofu. It's all out in the open now so it shouldn't make  
much difference."  
  
Tofu sighed and took the clipboard from the basket in front of my bed. "Nothing's set in concrete, Akane. The results show nothing. Absolutely nothing."  
  
I had no idea how long I'm going to live. But my family let   
me go at my own pace, only after having a long talk to them, that is.   
Ranma and I grew closer and he turned his fiance's away for good. We grew so close, in fact, that we got marrried that following spring. It'd been a year and a half since the diagnosis and I was still kicking. I became pregnant four months later. You were born on February 12, and you were the best thing to ever happen to me.   
  
I got sick while in the hospital, recovering from having you. And this is where I write this now. Dr. Tofu has given me very little hope that I will see the end of the week. I am frightened. I am frightened that I will go through more pain than I already have for this illness isn't an easy one. I am frightened because I have no idea what lays for me after my death. But I am frightened mostly because I will be leaving you without having a chance to get to know you. Mommy died at the hospital. I wish could die peacefully at home but Kasumi's little one is ill and Nabiki is home with Kuno from college.  
Besides, your father wishes me to be where I can be watched. I don't wish to be looked at like a fish in a fishbowl as I pass. But Ranma feels better about having me here.   
  
I want you to know, my child, that I am leaving you in capable hands. Your father will cook for you, will defend you against anything in life, and will love you. He says he will tell you stories about your mother so that you will know me as well as he did. I also wish for you to know that in the few moments I have had with you, I loved you more deeply and fiercely than any woman dared to love her child. My time is slipping and I find I can barely hold my pen, your father is guiding my the pen with his hand on mine. Please don't think of me as I thought of my mother. I never stopped singing. Oh my wonderful beautiful baby, love your life and remember me well...  
  
~theEnd~  
  
AN: This is an idea I've played with for a long time. Actually I had a lot written out but lost it - bleh! So I used what I could from memory. The other fic involved Shampoo finding out about Akane's sickness, fighting Akane for Ranma and Ranma developing the fighting style "Weakened Phoenix" for Akane. I believe Akane is older- somewhere between 18 and 21. And I hadn't intended to post this, just get it out of my head. As you can tell, this is my first Ranma fic so if you review, please go easy on me. Thanks, Duchess ^_~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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